The Drive

 Pressing the acceleration pedal, my car zooming through the deep blue night, music pushing me forward on the highway, I find myself embracing the moment, wishing that I could be in that same, whirling vortex forever. The streetlights shine in through my open window, much like the wind, forcing itself upon me, whether I approve or not. It's as though all the forces of life are combining, swirling through the car, around my head, powering the car down the freeway.

I drive and drive until I see that imminent yellow metal rectangle, telling me that the freeway is ending. It's unfortunate that they can't just go forever. It's unfortunate that my car can't either. Why must thrills have limits? Why must life have limits? Why can't the wind be perpetually whipping at my hair, mussing the neat lines put in place by my brush? I bring the car to a stop, and pull the map from my glove box. The creases in the withered paper make it hard to read, but it's almost memorized anyway. I look up at the night sky, close my eyes, and float my index finger over what has become my life. I let my fingernail rest on the map, and look to see my next destination. I look for the next highway headed north, and twitch the volume nob up a bit, denying the few thoughts left my head. The peppy guitar strums force my foot down further on the pedal, as I snap to the beat and shake my hair loose.

I usually heed to the choice made with my finger-point method, but I realize that this time, I don't want to stop anywhere. I don't want a destination. I look up to the charm hanging from my rear-view mirror, which reads: “The joy of the journey is in the ride”. Unfortunately, I don't think most people really have the experience to show them what this really means. The journeys I've always have chosen have been without ends. I make myself determined to continue my nomadic life by making every decision at the last moment, choosing the forks in the road on the whim of the moment.

I drive for a few more hours, trying to decide what it is that's suddenly made me dissatisfied with the idea of a destination. When I first started this new way of life, I had trouble driving randomly. It may sound odd, but it takes courage to do absolutely nothing, and even more courage to do it by yourself. I became used to it over time. I would find myself at a dollar theater, asking which movies are about what, because I haven't looked at a television screen in months. It also became commonplace for me to walk into a candlelit restaurant, and ask for a table for one, sitting for a good while, just sipping at my drink, people-watching, and eating some of the best food I can't afford. After a good while though, I became to enjoy the idea of not knowing people, not being in contact with anyone, and the solitude became a fond habit. My life began to completely revolve around me and the moment. My life lost nuisances like television and routine, I no longer found myself wanting material things for anything other than their intended purpose.

Snapping back out of my thoughts, I drum to the cheery beat with my thumbs, I snap and dance a bit, and I let myself simply feel. I feel the chills from the wind go up my arms, I feel the cold burn from the wind on my face, and I let my ears pound from the loud over-stimulation I expose them to everyday. Today seems to be bringing me to a small quaint town, so I pull off the highway, and head for a motel.

When I get into my room, I turn on the radio, nudging the wheel that changes through the stations, listening to the quick changes from traffic reports to rap to jazz to interviews to rock to country and I realize that I don't want to hear any of it. I turn around and see a glimpse of myself in the mirror, something I haven't looked into in a long time. I realize that I look nothing like what I feel inside, and tug hatefully at my long ratty hair. I pull at the stuck handle of the nightstand drawer, and when I finally get the damned thing open, I grab the sewing kit and pull out the scissors. I force my fingers into the miniature-sized circles, which are somehow intended for my fingers, and begin to snip. I don't even work carefully. I realize that I no longer care about most of this shit. I no longer care that I know not one person, that I have not one emotional connection or relationship in this world. I no longer care that nobody will notice that my hair has changed except the maid who gets stuck cleaning it up, and she won't even like it. I also realize that really, everything I just told myself about not caring is bullshit and if I really didn't care, it wouldn't have crossed my mind. I listen to myself, and tell myself that I sound like a middle school kid picking on his little brother. I try to stop arguing with myself, but my head feels like it will pound itself to death and I realize I have no control. I have no control over my thoughts or my fingers that move swiftly, though unpracticed, through the lessening mass of hair on my scalp.

I chop and hack until almost all of my hair lies on the floor, and look down to see my once-beautiful locks lying around my feet. Looking into the mirror again, I peel off my shirt and bra, and slide my skirt down my legs, into the mess of hair on the carpet. I back up and see the person I am. My short hair looks like it was sketched onto my head, my shoulders sit unleveled on my torso and I realize that my whole body looks unrested. I pull out the bottle of pills that I keep for days like this, and throw 3 of them down the back of my throat, letting the oblong shape stumble awkwardly down my throat, in a way much like Alice and that rabbit hole of hers. I lay on the disgusting motel bed, and think about the nasty germs crawling onto my already broken-down body. I indulge my thoughts, mostly because I doubt that I could feel much worse at this point. The drugs kick in, and I find my body paralyzed with the inevitable relaxation that I had been expecting. I couldn't move my pinky if I tried, but my brain is still running 10,000 miles a minute. Sometimes I mess with myself and try to fight the sleepiness, but tonight I realize I won't succeed, so I finally give in and let myself rest.

I wake in the morning, the sunlight pushing through the curtains, despite me having shut them quite tightly on my way in, but the thin cheap fabric has about as much coverage as a bikini on a fat woman at the beach. So much for a good night of sleep. I glance over at the clock, and see the red numbers blinking 9:03, and I close my eyes, but the LED lights forged the time on the back of my eyelids, and I can't seem to escape it. I stare up at the ceiling instead, and try to make shapes from the stucco that had been attempted on the ceiling. Nothing seems to work though, so I finally try to swing my legs over the side of the bed energetically, and when I push my feet into the ground to stand, I know the forced energy won't last. I drag myself back over to the pile of clothes on the floor, and see the bits of hair peeking out from underneath, and remember that I practically massacred the half-dreaded mess that had been attached to my head. I reach my hand up to feel my new design, and look in the mirror at my still-naked body. I realize how grubby I am and decide to risk the dingy shower.

I yank the curtains that try to hide the hideous tub and shower, the nozzle covered with crusted calcium and the drain surrounded by rust colored splotches from the dripping faucet. I twist the handle to the hottest red on the dial and fumble the paper off the cheap soap they left for me. I set the soap on the shelf on the shower wall, and I step in to the hot streams off water forcing themselves out of the shower head, feeling the burning water wet what remains of my hair. No matter how hot the water is, I doubt it could wash off the filthiness I feel. I grab the cheap soap again, and rub it along my skin, trying to let the smooth edges comfort me, convince me that I'll be clean afterwards, but I can't seem to wash enough. Even if I were to bathe in bleach, I would step out of the tub covered in muck. I continue showering, pretending I have some sort of routine, pretending I shower often enough to know my washing habits. I leak a bit of the shampoo onto my hand and sloppily rub it through my mangy hair, running my nails along my scalp, as if I'll ever be clean. I rinse, and lower myself to sit in the tub, flipping the drain closed with my toes. I feel the water rushing onto my body, burning my skin to a fleshy red color, hoping I'll feel clean my the time I step out. As the water begins to lose its heat, I turn it off and sit on the edge if the tub, trying to ease the mental frustration, the arguing monologue I have within my head. I step out, leaving the water in the tub and trying to dry my body with the too-small towels they've oh-so-kindly provided.

I find a shirt and shorts in my purse, and re-examine my new persona. I determine that I look like a British woman who loves mountain-biking and big band swing. Avoiding my clothes and hair on the floor, I check out of the motel and sit back in my car. I roll the windows down, press my thumb to the side of the gear-shift, and put the car in drive. I look at my surroundings and find that I'm in a small town, and just drive down the roads methodically, being sure to take every turn I can. Looking at the people walking down to their grocery store and the teenagers walking home from school makes me wonder what it's like to lead a somewhat normal life. It's as if I don't remember what it was ever like to have a permanent place to return to, a door to walk through and say “I'm home!”, what it was like to have someone wonder where you are and when you'll return and pray you make it home okay when you're running late. I always told myself that I chose my life, that I am the reason none of these so-called “normal” things are in my life, but really, this life chose me.

Today may be the first time I became noticeably bothered by this lack of normalcy in my life, but I know it's not ever going to be any different for me. What exactly would I do, even if I decided to try and change? Buy and house and bake cookies for my neighbors? I don't know how to make friends. I don't know if I could even hold a conversation for more than ten minutes. I don't think anyone other than a dog would want to sit next to me. These thoughts sink further into my brain, they soak it to the seams, and I rip my car away from the town and head for the highway again. I try to convince myself that if I just keep doing what I always do, I'll somehow stop caring and wondering about any other kind of life.

My foot pushes the gas pedal further to the floor and I fly down the highway, my self-anger building and escalating exponentially with the speedometer. I whip around the curves and follow the lines of the empty highway, but somehow this pent up ball of emotion isn't releasing itself. I push on the brake, as if somehow my psyche is fixed to the pedals of my car. No matter how much I throw my body from side to side with the turns in the road, this seems to be a catharsis that won't be reached.

Sometimes when I find myself at a high emotional point like this, I just imagine my car going off the road, over a bridge, from the side of a cliff, or really just anywhere that will put me out for a few hours or days. Unfortunately, this roadside isn't exactly loaded with options, but I at least have some big, heavy looking trees. I slow down enough to decide on one, and force my foot on the gas. I tell myself that I'll keep my eyes open the whole time, and I'll focus on the part that I'm going to hit, and I just study the bark of the tree, as I get closer and closer. As the first tire hits the grass, I bump around and brace myself for the impact. I push my torso backwards, into my seat, push my legs into the floor, and as I feel the hood of my car crunch into the tree, I feel my consciousness leaving, my lucidness backing away, my emotions disappearing. I hear nothing, I see nothing, and my emotional pain has left, leaving just the overwhelming physical aches and the tickle of the blood dripping down my various extremities. I let the pain overwhelm myself, and I soon fade away mentally.

I hear faint sirens, and I realize it must have beens a few hours since it happened, but I try to fade away again, I try to make it all go away, but the people are trying to talk to me, are trying to keep me awake, and keep trying to move me, but they don't realize that I want this. I can't speak coherently, but if I could, I'd be telling those fuckers to leave me, to just back away, to sit back in their seats and drive their flashing vehicles away and leave me in peace. They don't realize that even if they do fix me, there won't be anyone to call, there won't be anyone to update with my condition, anyone to pay for the bills or to send me flowers and balloons and stuffed animals and Get Well cards. I try to muster up enough of a voice to tell them to fuck off, but my lungs and my throat won't cooperate, and I don't even part my lips.